We
were about to take our first communion,
and the pastor of my church was explaining
its symbolism and meaning. At that time,
my life was ruled by chaotic, unpredictable
forces, and much to my disappointment,
after my first communion, nothing changed.
I saw others crying, smiling, hugging,
and having a variety of emotions and
reactions, but for me it was ... wine
and crackers ... an expanding lonely
empty feeling. That was the end of my
spiritual journey as a youth.
In my senior
year of college, I needed an elective
to fit my schedule. The registrar suggested
a class in the "History of Southeast
Asian Art" - mostly Hinayana Buddhist.
The books were full of beautiful sexy
wrathful Nagas and wispy peaceful Buddhas.
At the end of the class, the instructor
took us to the Nebraska Zen Center.
We did sitting and walking meditation
with Rev. Nonin Chowaney and BAM! something
changed. For half an hour, the chaos
tamed.
I seriously
toyed with the idea of becoming a monk,
but it didn't feel right. It didn't
fit my love/hate relationship with things
and people. And it never touched that
beauty I found in the art. Ultimately,
I really enjoy flirting with (and sometimes
screaming at) the beauty and madness
of this everyday world we share. Later
I formed this idea of a basic goodness
in people and that anger and cruelty
were caused by the hurt we accumulated
in our lives.
I moved
to San Francisco and flailed about trying
to put a life together. It didn't work
and I had decided to give up on that
"basic goodness" in myself.
At that turning point, an acquaintance
asked if I wanted to go "pick up
some chicks at this program put on by
some religious person at One Taste."
It was the
first time I saw Kali Ma. I became aware that there had been a
giant chasm in my life that I was trying
to throw alcohol, success, women, drugs,
friends, and distraction into. I become aware that it could never be full that way. I don't remember
the talk, but I remember she was talking
about it. Directly. Without hesitation.
Staring at it without fear or denial,
or a need for any excuses. I wanted
to experience that too.
Now, I live
in Santa Cruz at the Trigug as a staff
member, working to share the Dharma
and support our Sangha and Teacher,
and opening to experience it.
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Most of
my life I've had a vague feeling that
there has got to be more than what I
was experiencing. When I graduated high
school, I felt miserable and thought
that feeling was coming from my environment,
so I moved. Over the next few years
I moved quite often, each time ending
up in the same misery I had tried to
escape from. One move ended me up in
San Diego. There I began massage school,
which began to heal and integrate me
with my body, and opened up a whole
new world to me including yoga and a
healthy, organic diet.
While in massage school, I became acutely
aware of the depth of my confusion and
suffering. Even though I was happier
and more grounded in my life, I knew
I needed help to find that "something
more to life," that I was intuiting.
I began visiting different sanghas,
including Thich Nat Hanh's community, but none of them
felt quite right for me personally. I was not interested
in renouncing my passion, emotions,
body, or relationships. I was on my
knees praying every night for a teacher
and sangha.
Then one day I received a flyer on my
car for a Kali Ma teaching. I took one
look at her face and knew instantly,
deep in my bones, that this was a woman
I had to see and hear. I went to the
teaching and was blown away! This was
what I had been praying for and more.
Everything was a perfect fit, the Teacher,
the teachings, the sangha, the Ayurveda,
the whole shebang. So I moved in the
practitioner's house, and began taking
all the teachings and trainings.
Since then, my life has been constantly
growing and changing for the better.
I owe my health, joy, vitality, home,
relationships, depth of talents and
abilities, and level of sanity to Kali Ma Troma
Rinpoche, Derrick, the teachings, the
practices, and the amazing sangha of
practitioners.
Thanks to
the 3 Jewels, my life is a continuous
exploration and deeper experience of
the "something more" that
I was and am looking for. |
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